The Staycationist

I’ve been battling anxiety and related problems for 10 years now. The first time I experienced a panic attack was 2009 and I was on a study vacation in Italy. It was the first time I’ve been away from home for more than 2 weeks and my anxiety hit me like a train going at full speed. I’ve done medication in the meantime, went to treatments, spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists, read books, practiced techniques to combat first signs of a panic attack all with more or less success. My longest period without anxiety was about a year and I was so happy to be “cured”. However, I had what you could call a “relapse”.

Ten years after my first anxiety, I am living in Amsterdam, the Netherlands. I am currently unemployed, looking for work, living in a rented apartment, chipping away at my life savings, trying to figure out this city and this country, not knowing anyone, not speaking the language and navigating a relationship with a boyfriend that is absolutely infatuated with our new life and this city. Unsurprisingly, my fears and anxieties are flaring up and I am having so many thoughts about all the things that are not going according to plan, that on most days, I just feel overwhelmed.

However, I have recently read an article about focusing on the process and not on the outcome, managing expectations and how it can have an effect on conditions like depression, anxiety, feeling stressed, nervous, and putting extra pressure on yourself.

This will be my goal in the next few weeks, actually making a conscious effort to focus on the process and the experience instead of obsessing over the outcome that I can’t really control.

Wish me luck.

Walking around the streets of Amsterdam still feels strange. I am not a tourist, but not quite at home. The streets, houses, shops, windows are familiar, but not quite friendly. I do wonder if it ever will be more than this. If we ever will be more than acquaintances.

I find comfort in quiet places. I find them welcoming. I feel more local when I am far from the crowds of the center. far from the Red Light District and the coffee shops. I feel more at home. Or less away from it?The Hortus Botanicus is a wonderful way to spend a day or an afternoon. Lost in the quiet of the plants and trees but still close to the hustle and bustle of the busy streets.

Thanks for joining me!